use me....

i long to be used by God. to feel like i have purpose in His plan. He blessed me with a beautiful family. a husband who loves me and two beautiful children. i have great friends and family....richly blessed in so many areas.
i look at my life and wonder, "what have i done for His cause?"
and it's not Him, it's me. i am willing...but am i? it's something i long for, yet so afraid of. what would that mean? what would i suffer? sacrifice? what would that look like to be in a position to be used by Him?
i know what it has taken for me to get closer to God. it has come at the price of other's pain and suffering. for a couple of years now, i have been learning more of Who He Is through others hardships. the beauty that has come from ashes. the beauty that has come from death. beauty out of pain.
God, please know my heart. i long to be closer to You...and the journey to get there scares me. help me overcome that fear. i want to be in a position where You can use me. give me the strength to sacrifice, to suffer... if it would mean it would bring me closer to you. your ways are not may ways. they are much higher than my own. help me to focus on You and to draw strength from You. give me the strength i need to be used by You. i want my life to be pleasing to You and i can't do it on my own...i need You. i need You.